Discouraging appointment today

We had our 37 weeks midwife appointment today (we are at weekly visits now) and so I am considered full term, which is great. However, if you followed me through Hazels journey, you will remember that I spiked in blood pressure near the end. For the past weeks of her pregnancy, I managed to stay just under the threshold until 4 days before she was due (I had been sitting around  150/80 for a few weeks). When I had two back to back high readings (one at the midwife appointment and then the next day at a re check) I went to have an NST and an OB consult who said lets induce tomorrow. I went into labour that night. But...I was only 4 days before my due date.

Well....Im 37 weeks and today, my BP was 150/90 which is where they start getting proactive. I go back tomorrow to the midwife for another BP check. If its still high, then I will go have bloodwork to see how my liver is doing and then possible an NST depending on what the midwife thinks. Then, we go from there. Im really hoping, that the days events just led me to have a higher BP and that tomorrow morning it will be fine...but Im worried. Last time I was so close to my due date....the threat of induction and the membrane sweep, seemed to work well cause I went into labour that night. I worry that its too soon for that threat to work and Ill have to be induced. I HATE intervention. Thats why I go to a midwife after all...to avoid it if I can. So...thats where were at. A D and Hazel came for dinner tonight and as they were leaving we were all saying we dont want to see each other for another week lol Hazel was so cute. She would point at my belly and say "My baby sister in there" and loved to touch my belly. She got to hear the heartbeat and even feel her move. So other than the BP thing....it was a great appointment (GBS swab came back negative as well...yay!)
Anyhow...heres a couple pics!

35 weeks

36 weeks

37 weeks

Their pea My pod

Hazel Grace!

35 weeks

I really dont intend to be neglectful. Its weird how with surro journey number one, I was blogging all the time. But this time its a bit different all around. First time around, it was new. Everything was interesting lol Not to say that its not interesting now, but I feel kinda like Im an old hat at it, ya know. First time around,  it was almost daily or every second day contact between A and I. This time, not as much. We see each other every month at appointments, and text here and there. But the texts and emails are much fewer and far between. Shes busy being a mom....I really think thats the difference. And I actually dont mind.

After Hazel was born, we went from this daily contact to almost nothing. People often asked, do you miss the baby? I didnt miss her, I missed the connection with the family...the relationship with them as a whole. It was like I didnt know my place anymore. I wasnt a surrogate anymore (although I know I will always be a surrogate)...I didnt have this purpose. I was just, Darshan. By week 3, I was having a really hard time (Ill blame it mostly on hormones) and then I received a beautiful card from A's parents and it just made a world of difference. It lifted me up. I needed it. I think this time around, it will be easier. We didnt talk as much throughout this pregnancy, and I am ok with that! I dont dwell on it, nor am I upset...its just the way it is.

The past 3 midwife appointments, Hazel hasnt been able to join us. Its given us time to really talk and connect a bit and for that I am grateful. I feel very blessed to have the connection I have with A. To be able to talk about anything and for us to both open up to each other. Often these conversations center around our thoughts surrounding surrogacy, her cancer and inability to have her own baby. Its often emotional and we cry. We also laugh about random things and find the same things to be funny, even though some people wouldnt "get it". I know that she too appreciates our relationship.

After last weeks midwife appointment, A and I went for coffee and I brought up something I wasnt sure she would be into, but thankfully, was totally on board! After baby #2 is born, and shes not so floppy and rag dollish, I really would love to have some pictures taken of us together. A and D, Hazel, baby #2 and myself. Of course, some with just me and my surrogirls as well. I want to put these pictures together in a collage with pregnancy photos (the professional ones from Hazels pregnancy, and ones I am going to have taken in the next couple of weeks) and commemorate this wonderful journey we have been on together, to create this beautiful family. While I am so very proud that I was able to grow and birth and raise my own three daughters, helping build this family is my biggest accomplishment in life so far and I want to show that off on my wall. When its all said and done, A and D dont really have to get into the story of how they had their children. People who dont know them, will just assume she had her babies just like most normal situations. They dont ever have to mention my name or tell anyone that someone else carried their children. But me....Ill always want to tell people. When people ask how many babies I have had, I will always say 5. If I say anything about being pregnant, it will almost always be "Ive had 5 babies" which will then usually require explanation when they realize I only have three kids. This wont be something that Ill ever be able to, or want to, hide. It will be openly talked about and very proudly. I want this on my wall to show this beautiful family and how miraculous the whole thing is....cause it really is. I was super excited when A said she was on board with it!!!! And agreed that when baby isnt floppy would be the best time. I cant even explain, how excited I am about it!!!! She even said she would really love to do that. I am super stoked!!!

Anyhow....other than all that, there isnt too much to say. I am measuring perfectly, baby has been very active and has been head down since forever. Ive passed my gestational diabetes test (YAY) and my blood pressure has been doing well. (Those who were around last time, may remember that I had a rise in bp during the last few weeks, almost resulting in an induction). We are fortunate that the nurse that attended Hazels delivery, is the head nurse coordinator at the hospital now and thus familiar with our case. So, we dont require going for another big meeting will all the important peeps. She will just send out an email reminder and put notes in our file and badda bing, were good to have a baby there....we were the first, and will be the second, surrogate birth at my community hospital! Pretty cool I think!!

Well....here are some pictures!

Braelyn and I in Kelowna for a wedding

Madison Miles and I at Maddies grade 7 grad ceremony....
I cant believe how grown up she is.

The three of us at the park!

Braelyn and her newly pierced ears!

Maddie participated in the Zombie Walk of Vancouver again this year
Did her whole outfit herself!

Day at the PNE

I have put this dress on for a photo around 33 weeks for every pregnancy....I think its pretty cool!!!

28 weeks

29 weeks

30 weeks

32 weeks

33 weeks

34 weeks

Holy crap...I suck

Yep....I suck as a blogger! But...theres really NOTHING interesting going on!
Pregnancy wise Im feeling awesome! 27 weeks now! CRAZY!!! Blood pressure has been good and I have only gained 7lbs as of the last appointment so I think probably 8 or 9 now in total. Yay me!!! Baby is measuring right on track and she moves all the time. Since there is not much to report...Ill just inundate you with pictures instead!!

The Hiz at lunch last month

21 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

24 weeks

25 week

26 weeks

26 weeks again...I liked this cute skirt!

27 weeks

At a wedding...almost 26 weeks

Gender reveal!

First off, I want to send a big shout out to a couple of amazing ladies who recently gave birth to their surro babes! These ladies have just finished their second surrogacies and I am totally in awe of them!
Congrats to you both for doing an amazing job! Check out Carla over here at Gest Another Day  and to Krystal over here at The Journey of Life .

So Im just about 21 weeks now and we had our ultrasound last week. Baby was being stubborn (much like big sister Hazel so huge surprise lol) and wouldnt co-operate with the tech. Turns out Ill have to go back again to see if babe is in better position to get the spine and kidneys. We tried...hard. It was almost 2 hours of trying! After we got what we could, I got up and went pee and then walked around while she took another patient, then went back in and tried again to see if babe moved. Oh, well babe moved alright, into an even LESS than ideal position! lol So....it was determined that I would have to come back. I may have mentioned before that I thought maybe the placenta may be posterior because I didnt feel baby moving as early and as much as I normally would...and I was right. Its posterior and  to the left side of me. Make sense cause all the kicks and punches I feel are on the right side.

She called A, D and Hazel into the room (by this point Hazel was DONE....she was past her bedtime and had been in a waiting room for 2 hours). But, thankfully she sat on the bed nicely and watched while the tech showed mom and dad their baby and the parts. We get down to the bottom and she points out the two legs and to the middle area and says "theres the gender". A says "Whats there???" and the tech says "Nothing!" We all start laughing our asses off....we thought for sure this baby was a boy but nope...ITS A GIRL!!!!! D seemed a little disappointed but of course, he is still happy. I said I thought A looked a little disappointed too but she was just in so much shock that she looked stunned! EVERYONE in both our lives, thought it was a boy...except for A's dad...he thought it was a girl. I cant even believe that its another girl. Seriously! Am I not allowed to carry boys?? lol 5th girl!!!! Too funny!!!

Anyhow, here are the latest pics! The two at the bottom should be at the top....but I couldnt move them for some reason, so they are at the bottom lol

18 weeks

19 weeks

20 weeks

20 weeks ultrasound side view

20 week ultrasound 

Hazel and I at the ultrasound

May 13th at lunch after the midwives

Hazel, A and I May 13th after lunch

17 weeks and counting!

Seems so strange to be 17 weeks pregnant already with surro number 2. In just 19 days, we will find out if this little nugget is a boy or a girl, the perfect birthday gift for his or her grandpa whos birthday is the following day! Im feeling pretty good physically. Dont feel the baby move much, which is weird because Ive always had lots of movement by this point. Makes me wonder if its an anterior placenta. We will soon find out. I have been feeling more boy feelings lately. Im certainly carrying more boyish. And A had a vivid image of a little boy that looked exactly like D with the dark hair and big eyes.I guess we will know soon enough.
Here are some pictures from the last while!

13 weeks

14 weeks

Ladies night out....15 weeks

15 weeks

15 weeks (I liked my hair lol)

16 weeks

17 weeks (taken today)

Mentally, I could be a lot better right now. Has nothing to do with the pregnancy, no worries there. But rather a tragic accident that I was involved in.
I was going to the mall close to my work to grab lunch and had just turned up a steep hill. As I was going up , a car was going down and a cyclist came out from the parking lot, from no where. The car going down the hill swerved to avoid hitting the cyclist, the cyclist swerved, fell and slid under my car as I was going up. I never even saw him it all happened so fast. Unfortunately, he slid right under my rear tire and I drove over his head, killing him. I just felt and heard a thump and looked in my rear view thinking "wtf was that?" and saw him laying on the ground, a river of blood already pouring out of him and running down the street. It was horrific. I grabbed my phone, called 911...others were doing the same. I stood over him along with some other people, and we were checking for a pulse and to see if he was breathing. When it was determined he wasnt breathing, the 911 operator told us to start chest compressions. I held his head while he was turned over and a man started compressions while I counted for him. Thankfully within a minute, the paramedics showed up. They essentially determined right away that he had already passed.

I sat in the ambulance for quite some time,had my vitals checked, waited for the lead investigator to do her thing, and then had to go to the police station to give a recorded statement where I had to explain everything in as much detail as I could. It was hard. My parents and friend waited for me outside and my parents took me home. I stopped by the midwife on the way, just to have a listen to baby. I knew he or she was ok, but I felt better to hear for myself, especially since I dont feel a lot of movement.

I didnt sleep well that night. Woke up several times I was really worried about what legal trouble I could be in. I knew there was nothing I could do. He didnt hit the front of my car, in fact my car was completely undamaged. I knew he came out from the side, from no where, where I couldnt even see him. And I just hoped that the witness statements pointed to that as well. I was in such a panic all day the next day when I phoned victim services to talk to someone. I told them my concerns and she asked if a constable had called me yet? I could tell she knew something but couldnt say. I was sobbing and she felt terrible and said "Im going to get the officer to call you, you need some reassurance". About an hour later, I got a call from the investigator. A 1000lb weight was lifted off of me as she explained that they were done their investigation and that it was determined that the cyclist was completely at fault. That there was nothing I could have done and as such, there would be no charges brought against me under the criminal code, nor under the motor vehicle act. She went on to tell me that the family has been notified and that they feel for me, and they hope I am ok, and that they want me to know, they hold no ill feelings towards me and that they would like to have contact with me if possible.

What a sense of relief. I was finally able to eat...and I slept well that night. My mind still reels with the events and the sight of the poor man. I feel terrible. I know itwasnt my fault. I know there was nothing I could have done. I really wished it could have been different. Ive been trying to figure out why this happened to me? Why did I have to be the one to be there that day. I wasnt even supposed to work!! I had shift swapped to get mothers day off...then switched to work an earlier shift that day to go to an awards ceremony.I shouldnt have been there at all!!! The only thing I can think of, is that I was meant to be the one to go through this because I could handle it. Sometimes I hate being a really strong person...Im always the bearer of bad news. Ive had to give bad news to people so many times...and usually its me that does it because I usually handle it quite well. I know I am strong, but still...cant I catch a break here! I think I was meant to be the one to go through this because I was meant to try and help him...meant to get down on the ground and hold his head. Maybe I was meant to be the one to talk to his family and tell them what happened from the point of view of someone who was there, not just the police. I dont know. Its the only thing I can think of. Someone else in this situation may have jumped off a bridge the next day. It was really the most horrific image Ill ever see. If I described it, it would probably make you sick.

If there is one thing I am taking from all this, is the need to speak out about bike safety. 1st and foremost, helmets. Please PLEASE wear a helmet, and teach your children to wear a helmet. They are not dorky, they are life saving devices. He may have still died if he had been wearing one, but he also may have just been injured and not lost his life. 2nd, please always cross at cross walks. Get off your bike and walk it across. Make EYE CONTACT with drivers before you cross. Even if you think they saw you, make sure to make eye contact first!!! Please teach your children this lesson!!!! Please lead by example. Dont just tell them , show them that you do it to.

What people dont think about, is that when they make a decision to not wear a helmet or to do stupid things, its not just their lives they are affecting. You may think "oh if I get hurt, its my own fault" But you are affecting other peoples lives too. I killed a man with my car because HE did something dumb. He is gone. He wont ever have to deal with this. But IM going to have to live with that image the REST of my life!!!! ILL have to remember how that looked. ILL have to remember that EVERYTIME I see a cyclist, EVERYTIME I get into my car. EVERYTIME death creeps into my mind. ILL see his image on the ground. Im sure he never thought about it...but I will, for the rest of my life. Please please, think about how your actions and decisions may affect those around you. Please wear a helmet and practice safe riding.

Im sorry this got so dark, but I have to talk about it. I am very affected by this and want to use this as an opportunity to help people see. I dont want this mans death to be in vain. He was a son and a brother. I know that much anyway. I dont know anything else except his name. Ill never forget his name. Ill never forget him. I didnt know him, but he changed my life.

Gettin a belly

Its mostly my existing fat being pushed out by my overstretched uterus lol But, its there. Maternity pants are a must at this point and I look like Im about 5 months along, when Im only 14 weeks at this point hahaha.
Not a whole heck of a lot to update. On Monday we had a midwife appointment and heard the baby for the first time on the doppler. Hazel loved hearing her baby brother or sisters heartbeat...it was so cute, she kepts replaying the recording A had done for D, since he couldnt be there. Afterwards, we went for lunch at our regular place, White Spot (because they are really family friendly and Hazel can get away with being Hazel there lol). It was a fun morning...I always enjoy my time with them!

10ish weeks

11 weeks

12 weeks

Just a few days ago at lunch :)

Another ultrasound today!

Had another ultrasound and measured 8 weeks 5 days so, right on target! Not much of a visit today...but again, Hazel was very concerned that I was up too high and wanted me to "come back down" lol

Isnt she adorable?