Tuesday, January 6, 2015

3 months old...Christmas...how goes it

I cant believe its been 3 months since Esme was born and Hazel turned 3. Im sorry I havent posted any updates, Im not really sure what to write really and with Christmas and such, its just been so busy.

Since Esmes birth, I have seen her three times. Once about a week after she was born (to deliver milk) again when she was a few weeks old, and then just before Christmas, to deliver some gifts to the girls and my IPs. In terms of how I am feeling and stuff, I feel pretty good most days. The emotional side has been easier this time around. I guess because I knew what to expect. But in other ways, its been harder.
Throughout this whole journey, there wasnt nearly the amount of contact as there was in the first journey. To be expected really. They have a toddler demanding their attention and both working full time. After Hazel was born, the contact became very little and it made me very sad at times. Not because of missing the baby, but the relationship. I know Ive talked about this before. I accepted it, and became fine with things. I had hoped that maybe contact would amp up a bit during this pregnancy, but it didnt really, so I went into delivery, prepared for little contact again. What I didnt expect, was there to be as little as there is. If I text, I dont get a response. Its fine most of the time, but it did bother me at Christmas and on Hazels birthday...I wont lie. It hurt a bit. I know I know...it not about me. They have their lives and are busy and such. But I would think if I text saying Merry Christmas and Happy birthday, I would get some sort of reply. When I didnt....it hurt. Thankfully, I am strong and not prone to pp depression or anything. I dont cry about it or complain...I just get a bit sad here and there thinking how nice it would be to have had a reply. From here on out, I wont bother them. If they want to talk to me, then they can message me. I know deep in my heart, they love me and they appreciate what I did to help them become a family....a beautiful family at that.

Just before Christmas, I went to visit and brought the girls each some pj's and A and D a personalized family tree ornament. Spent a couple hours hanging out with A's brother and his wife, mom and dad and the girls. Had a beer with D even. It was a great visit and I got lots of snuggles. Finally got to see Esme with her eyes open lol When I was feeding her a bottle, she looked at me like "who the f*#k are you?! lol She only likes taking bottles from her mommy.

I returned to work 6 weeks after Esme was born and its been super busy so keeping me on my toes. Back into the swing of dating, as I have been single for almost 2 years now (a year officially separated). Seems guys dont dig pregnant women lol But now that Im not pregnant, Im getting back out there. Its been hard. Dating is not what it was when I was last single 16 or so years ago lol I can tell you that men are way more confusing than women...and they think we're crazy (we are...just a different kind). Men are not clear about anything. The dating sites suck. The guys on there either want just a bed pal, or they want the whole family marriage thing. Im kinda looking for something more in between. Relationship but no living together lol Not looking at marriage any time in the even distant future lol Anyhow...thats how that goes. I started running as a way to get active and lose some weight. Its been a challenge but Im ready for it. I need to take care of me now...feel and look good. I am definitely done with having babies and would like to get somewhat of my body back.

Anyhow....thats about it. Here are some photos. :)

About a week old

The girls and I....Esme is about a week old
The girls meeting Esem for the first time

My eldest Madison and Esme

Middle child Braelyn holding Esme

Youngest Juli holding Esme

Esme and I at our Christmas visit

Getting her burp on lol

Not quite sure what Hazel was doing here...but its hella cute