Monday, July 15, 2013

Not sure where to start....

....really not sure. I have some pretty serious stuff to get off my chest...but also want to share some fun photos from a picnic with Hazel and her parents this weekend. The serious stuff, I feel "safe" in a way sharing here, since I know very few people I know actually read this...but at the same time, its "unsafe" since most people dont know me, and may be more likely to judge (who am I kidding...most of you will probably judge...but thats ok...I've made my bed...I have to lie in it).

I guess Ill start with the serious stuff.

Hubby and I have been together a long time....about 15 years...celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary this year. He is an amazing best friend. Hes been there for me through thick and thin, better or worse. He really is a great person. But I have struggled for years with something. You know you grow up, you are told you're supposed to get married forever, 2.5 kids, the dog and cat and white picket fence and live happily ever after....well...thats not me. I personally dont feel that we as humans, are meant to be with one person our entire life. Unfortunately, I have gone about this in a very unethical way in the past. Hurt my husband twice in our 15 years. He found out about my first infidelity about 6 years ago. He stayed with me, even though really, he should have kicked me to the curb. Then last Octoberish, I asked for a separation. I knew I would hurt him again. We knew the separation wouldn't happen right away....we would wait until after our Disneyland trip to break our kids hearts. A month after asking for the separation, I was with someone else. It hurt him, not as badly as the first time, but it still hurt. Technically, we were still together.

Don't get me wrong. We still love each other. There is no hatred. There is no animosity. We moved past the first "incident" and became stronger even. I personally feel that you can love multiple people, without loving the others any less. I love him...but I love others too....doesn't mean I love him less. I have a lot of room in this heart...and I want to give it. So...I approached him about having an "open" relationship...delving into the world of Polyamory. Its not about sex, like Im sure you are all thinking. Its about building relationships with other people....being there for them, and them for you. Opening your heart and allowing yourself to love and be loved. I have always felt that I am a non-monogamous person....I would just much rather be doing it in an ethical way. Polyamory is not cheating (and its not polygamy...they are two different things). Being poly means everyone is "in the know" and in agreement. After talking about it, he decided to give it a try and see if it was something he could do. At least, if it doesnt work, we can say we tried. So, we put the separation on hold... and in late may, I met someone and have been seeing him. It feels wonderful to be able to say I am seeing someone, and my husband knows and is, well, most of the time ok with it. Some days are better then others. We attended a poly discussion group, and will be participating in more in the future. But, the reality is, he likely is not a non-monogamous person. He is a one woman man and in a way, was almost "forced" into trying it if he wanted to prevent the separation, which would have happened, had we not decided to give this a go. From all the reading and research I've done, its unlikely this will work. It would seem that most couples that get into poly in this manner, don't work. I've tried staying positive, but last night there was a change. I went to a surrogacy event in Seattle with my "friend" (hmmm...nickname....Stings) I wanted someone to go with me, and no one could so I asked him...its a 2 + hour drive...wanted the company. When I crossed back into Canada, hubs and I texted back and forth and I could tell, he was ticked off. We talked when he got up for work this morning, and he said, he didnt think he could do this. It bothered him I was away with Strings for the day. I wasnt surprised this came I said, Ive researched and the odds are not great. But its starting to look like we are headed towards separation. There are so many different feelings I have around it. First....scared...scared shitless. Ive been with him my whole adult life. I have never had to pay my own way completely. Excited....excited for some freedom, excited so start a new chapter where I can actually be ME...fully me. Living the live I want. But most of all...Im sad. Sad that Im losing my life partner....sad that Im hurting him. Sad that Im disappointing those in our life. And most of all sad that my kids will have to go through it. How do we break this to them? How do we break their hearts?

Anyhow, I encourage, before judging me, look up what polyamory is and means. Its actually a beautiful thing. Some people believe (I am one of those people) that being poly is an orientation, like being gay or lesbian. Why do I believe this, because I've always known that I wasnt meant to be with one person. I just did what a lot of closeted gay people how you are expected to live because thats what society tells you to do. Well, I dont want to be closeted anymore. Im proud of myself for figuring out what I want. So please, dont happy for me....and if you have anything negative to say, please keep it to yourself. :)

Now...onto the fun stuff!!! We met up with A, D and Hazel this weekend at the same place we met up last summer for our summer picnic together. We had a fantastic day! I was warned that Hazel has now been nicknamed "most dangerous baby on earth" but I saw no evidence of was lying lol. She was all over the place, just like every other 18 month old. There is a photo campaign going on for a group Surrogacy Together and they had a photo shoot in Seattle yesterday. So, a few weeks ago, I had them mail me the tattoos and A, Hazel and I put them on and took a few photos for the campaign where they might go into a video thing at a rally in San Diego (which I would LOVE to go to, but know it wont happen...insert sad face lol ). When we were leaving, D asked if A and I had talked about "process" lol I had not brought up the sibling journey....I figured they will bring it up when they are ready. A says "well I think we are thinking late fall now...financially that will work better" so Im like "Well, like when late fall?" shes like "Decemberish" I started laughing "Uh, thats WINTER!" lol So....I guess we are aiming for "late fall" winter start to sibling journey. A little disappointed, yes...I wanna get going on this. I have a couple of fantastic gay couples I want to carry for!!! LOL Oh well... I understand fully.
Anyhow....we had a great visit....lots of fun in the sun. I really enjoyed hanging with Hazel and playing in the water with her. She is such a cutie pie!!!
Braelyn having fun in the water

She had lots of fun playing in the sand and water

Maddie lounging on the beach

Hazel and Juju having fun together

Hazel and I walking back up to mom and dad and Miles ....way up there by the orange tent

Tattood up!

Surrogacy Together. Like them on Facebook!!!

Someone looks mischievous! Sorry for the terrible pic A, but she looks damn cute here lol

Another cute one

Pure sweetness

One big special family!

lol this lasted about a minute lol

Someone was sleepy...she did very well! Time to go home!


Surrogacy India said...

First off, congratulations on your marriage anniversary (a decade of togetherness). :)

I loved reading your article. Being a mother of three children seems like a challenging life but after reading your blog I think you're quite good with managing your family.

Thank you for writing such an enjoyable blog post.

Kunik Goel

Carla said...

LOTS of stuff going on with you. I hope you sort through all the emotions of your relationships and find peace on the other side. Best wishes to you and your loved ones. I look forward to hearing of a 2nd surrogacy journey.