Thursday, May 8, 2014

17 weeks and counting!

Seems so strange to be 17 weeks pregnant already with surro number 2. In just 19 days, we will find out if this little nugget is a boy or a girl, the perfect birthday gift for his or her grandpa whos birthday is the following day! Im feeling pretty good physically. Dont feel the baby move much, which is weird because Ive always had lots of movement by this point. Makes me wonder if its an anterior placenta. We will soon find out. I have been feeling more boy feelings lately. Im certainly carrying more boyish. And A had a vivid image of a little boy that looked exactly like D with the dark hair and big eyes.I guess we will know soon enough.
Here are some pictures from the last while!
13 weeks

14 weeks

Ladies night out....15 weeks

15 weeks
15 weeks (I liked my hair lol)

16 weeks

17 weeks (taken today)

Mentally, I could be a lot better right now. Has nothing to do with the pregnancy, no worries there. But rather a tragic accident that I was involved in.
I was going to the mall close to my work to grab lunch and had just turned up a steep hill. As I was going up , a car was going down and a cyclist came out from the parking lot, from no where. The car going down the hill swerved to avoid hitting the cyclist, the cyclist swerved, fell and slid under my car as I was going up. I never even saw him it all happened so fast. Unfortunately, he slid right under my rear tire and I drove over his head, killing him. I just felt and heard a thump and looked in my rear view thinking "wtf was that?" and saw him laying on the ground, a river of blood already pouring out of him and running down the street. It was horrific. I grabbed my phone, called 911...others were doing the same. I stood over him along with some other people, and we were checking for a pulse and to see if he was breathing. When it was determined he wasnt breathing, the 911 operator told us to start chest compressions. I held his head while he was turned over and a man started compressions while I counted for him. Thankfully within a minute, the paramedics showed up. They essentially determined right away that he had already passed.

I sat in the ambulance for quite some time,had my vitals checked, waited for the lead investigator to do her thing, and then had to go to the police station to give a recorded statement where I had to explain everything in as much detail as I could. It was hard. My parents and friend waited for me outside and my parents took me home. I stopped by the midwife on the way, just to have a listen to baby. I knew he or she was ok, but I felt better to hear for myself, especially since I dont feel a lot of movement.

I didnt sleep well that night. Woke up several times I was really worried about what legal trouble I could be in. I knew there was nothing I could do. He didnt hit the front of my car, in fact my car was completely undamaged. I knew he came out from the side, from no where, where I couldnt even see him. And I just hoped that the witness statements pointed to that as well. I was in such a panic all day the next day when I phoned victim services to talk to someone. I told them my concerns and she asked if a constable had called me yet? I could tell she knew something but couldnt say. I was sobbing and she felt terrible and said "Im going to get the officer to call you, you need some reassurance". About an hour later, I got a call from the investigator. A 1000lb weight was lifted off of me as she explained that they were done their investigation and that it was determined that the cyclist was completely at fault. That there was nothing I could have done and as such, there would be no charges brought against me under the criminal code, nor under the motor vehicle act. She went on to tell me that the family has been notified and that they feel for me, and they hope I am ok, and that they want me to know, they hold no ill feelings towards me and that they would like to have contact with me if possible.

What a sense of relief. I was finally able to eat...and I slept well that night. My mind still reels with the events and the sight of the poor man. I feel terrible. I know itwasnt my fault. I know there was nothing I could have done. I really wished it could have been different. Ive been trying to figure out why this happened to me? Why did I have to be the one to be there that day. I wasnt even supposed to work!! I had shift swapped to get mothers day off...then switched to work an earlier shift that day to go to an awards ceremony.I shouldnt have been there at all!!! The only thing I can think of, is that I was meant to be the one to go through this because I could handle it. Sometimes I hate being a really strong person...Im always the bearer of bad news. Ive had to give bad news to people so many times...and usually its me that does it because I usually handle it quite well. I know I am strong, but still...cant I catch a break here! I think I was meant to be the one to go through this because I was meant to try and help him...meant to get down on the ground and hold his head. Maybe I was meant to be the one to talk to his family and tell them what happened from the point of view of someone who was there, not just the police. I dont know. Its the only thing I can think of. Someone else in this situation may have jumped off a bridge the next day. It was really the most horrific image Ill ever see. If I described it, it would probably make you sick.

If there is one thing I am taking from all this, is the need to speak out about bike safety. 1st and foremost, helmets. Please PLEASE wear a helmet, and teach your children to wear a helmet. They are not dorky, they are life saving devices. He may have still died if he had been wearing one, but he also may have just been injured and not lost his life. 2nd, please always cross at cross walks. Get off your bike and walk it across. Make EYE CONTACT with drivers before you cross. Even if you think they saw you, make sure to make eye contact first!!! Please teach your children this lesson!!!! Please lead by example. Dont just tell them , show them that you do it to.

What people dont think about, is that when they make a decision to not wear a helmet or to do stupid things, its not just their lives they are affecting. You may think "oh if I get hurt, its my own fault" But you are affecting other peoples lives too. I killed a man with my car because HE did something dumb. He is gone. He wont ever have to deal with this. But IM going to have to live with that image the REST of my life!!!! ILL have to remember how that looked. ILL have to remember that EVERYTIME I see a cyclist, EVERYTIME I get into my car. EVERYTIME death creeps into my mind. ILL see his image on the ground. Im sure he never thought about it...but I will, for the rest of my life. Please please, think about how your actions and decisions may affect those around you. Please wear a helmet and practice safe riding.

Im sorry this got so dark, but I have to talk about it. I am very affected by this and want to use this as an opportunity to help people see. I dont want this mans death to be in vain. He was a son and a brother. I know that much anyway. I dont know anything else except his name. Ill never forget his name. Ill never forget him. I didnt know him, but he changed my life.


Carla said...

CRAP! I am sorry this happened. You are looking great.

Lynne Austin said...

OMG, you are looking so good. being a mom is such a different feelings and being a surrogate mother is a proudy feeling.