Monday, March 5, 2012

Random thoughts lol

Well this weekend was a whirlwind. We had a celebration of life for my cousin on Saturday...and it was beautiful. So many people came to celebrate Jeramy and his life and to be there for his parents and young daughter. My cousin was just 24 when he was killed a couple weeks ago in a car accident. But we will help keep his memory alive and make sure his daughter knows the kind of man her daddy was, and how much he affected everyones lives.

Ive had some mixed emotions lately, regarding my journey. Not mixed as in negative or I wish I hadnt done it cause that is faaaaaaaar from true. But Im just coming to terms with where my life is now and how my relationship with A and D will be going forward. Now that I am not pumping, there isnt really any reason to see them so Im just trying to get used to not texting them or bugging them....even though I would love to talk to them every few days lol. A came into my store with the babe a week and a half ago. 2 of my co-workers had been dying to see her so I asked her to come in and she did, which was nice. But I think the visits and contact will be very little from here on out...its just what I am sensing. Maybe its just me and my internalizing once again...but I think space is likely needed for them so Im going to respect that (even though they have not said anything to me about it.) So...Ive made a conscious decision to not text or email, and just let them lead the way. The only thing I was hoping was that they would have a baby shower for her and I could come but I dont know if they are even doing that, and if they do, if Ill be invited. I would really hope so...I want to see her showered with love and support as every new mom should get....but I just dont know. Anyhow, Im rambling...its just the randomness that goes on in my head. I find myself looking at  pictures from my journey almost every night before I go to that weird?? I just cant help it! Im so proud of it and it gives me the warm fuzzies to look at them! I go to sleep in a very happy place :) I so badly want to do it again soon too...does THAT make me crazy?!?! lol I know Im not the only surrogate who feel like that immedietly after a journey. But..I gotta wait until A and D are ready again. I just hope its not forever cause I want to do it again after, at least once!!! Ughhhhhhh my mind needs to shut down..I gotta hit the hay...too many late nights...but just needed to write and see what came out my finger tips lol

1 comment:

Jeni said...

All of your feelings are completely normal, Darshan. You're doing great. I can't fully remember at what point I realized I wasn't as "obsessed" with my journey and all that it entailed, but at some point, I realized I wasn't re-living it every moment of every day anymore. I still have SO much pride, and I love talking about it every chance I get, but my days and thoughts are no longer completely consumed with journey memories. My brain is much more balanced now. :-) You'll get there my dear...probably very soon. Take care. XO