Tuesday, January 10, 2012

10 days old

Well, little Hazel is 10 days old (well...its after midnight so I guess shes 11 days old now lol). I saw her on Friday and got some cuddles in with the Cuddly Wrap. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE the wrap. I think its the best thing EVER to carry your baby in. I especially think its great for intended moms who wish to have skin to skin with their baby as much as possible, to facilitate a bonding experience. Anyhow...I took my wrap to A and D so they could use it for Hazel and I had her in it on me for a bit...then we put it on A and they had a good cuddle in it as well. Both mom and babe LOVED it (and whats not to love...really). Here are a couple pics of me with Juli in the wrap. I just love it and have to share!!!

10 months

1 year old
2 years old
I have been pumping like crazy. I have never been a huge producer so I wasn't expecting to get a lot. But, apparently, my body decided to do a good job this time (maybe my body just prefers pumping to nursing) because I'm getting a lot of milk. Now, I didn't get anything for 3 days. Literally nothing. I would pump and it would be dry...not even colostrum. It was discouraging because I would feel like I was getting some, and then nothing would come out. Finally I started getting some and when she was 5 days old, I was able to take about 25oz of milk to her. Then, when she was 7 days old, I was able to take another 25 oz. So, I doubled my production. Now, I have stored in my freezer about 80oz of milk that I have pumped since Friday evening!!!! Its now Monday night (or early Tuesday, however you want to look at it lol...its 1am OK! lol) and I have 80oz!!!!! I am very excited by this....can ya tell?! I feel really good that I have been able to pump so much milk for her. For her first 4 days of life though, she was only on formula so when she got my milk, she got a little gassy apparently and didn't drink it as fast as she had been drinking the formula. Her mom realized though that she needed to mix the formula and breast milk and gradually introduce it, since she was so used to the formula. Hopefully she tolerates my milk OK. If it turns out she doesn't, there is this great way of donating to people right in your community. Human Milk for Human Babies is a great way to connect with moms who are looking for breast milk for their babies so if you are a pumping mom reading this right now...or you have milk stored in your freezer that you will not be using, check out the site, go to the community pages and find the city near you.  http://www.hm4hb.net/   I have a friend who already connected to a mom in our community. I think its great!!!!

My first milk delivery!!! Yes...I was dating them Dec not Jan lol
Anyhow, the big question I keep getting asked is how am I doing. And when people ask, its not that they are asking how am I doing physically in my recovery after giving birth, but how am I doing mentally. I know that when people ask me that question, they really mean "Do you have the baby blues". While I really appreciate the concern, its a little annoying lol. For the record....I feel great! Both physically and mentally. I do find that I get a little tired when Im doing too much. My body has no problem telling me to slow down, and I do. I dont want to bleed any longer then I have to and I know that rest is essential to reducing the amount of time you bleed. Mentally, I feel really good. I am so happy that Hazel is with her parents. I have no regrets doing this surrogacy, in fact, I am really looking forward to the next journey!!! Yes, you read right. I would LOVE to be pregnant again lol If there is anything I am "sad" about, its that Im not pregnant anymore. I dont feel like I am missing out on having a baby at home. I just miss being pregnant. I LOVE being pregnant!!!! Feeling the movements and knowing I have life in me...its amazing!! I would say the only thing I am feeling that is not what I expected, is anxiety. Its the only way I can describe it really. I feel anxious that I dont know how things are going with them. And not just with Hazel, but with the three of them. I felt like when I was pregnant, I could text them or email them any time and know I wasnt bugging them. Now....I feel like I dont have a good enough reason to text them. They dont need to "check in" with me! Its not my business really. Maybe I worry a bit that they wont keep in contact. I dont know. Well, maybe I do know that thats what it is. Its been my main worry through the whole thing...that they would drop off and I wouldnt hear from them anymore. In my heart, I know that wont happen...but I still fear it. And if thats what I wanted in a surrogacy, then I would have been clear about that...but thats not what I wanted. I feel like they are a part of my family in a way...and even if they dont feel that way about me, I understand. I just cant help how I feel. So, it would be very devestating to me to lose contact. So maybe thats where the anxiety is coming from. I just saw them on Friday and yet, I miss not having contact. And now Im reading that and realizing, I look like a stalker LOL. Anyhow...Im rambling and I should just shut up now. If any of my fellow surro readers is reading this and cares to comment on the anxiety thing (as in, tell me its normal LOL) then that would be great!!!
For now...here is a pic I took on Friday of me and Hazel....damnn shes cute!!!


RebekahRose said...

Love all the pictures!! :) I just wanted to send you a hug and an "I understand" - I never had anxiety afterwards but to me it sounds like the phase we ALL go through after delivery; finding the "new normal"! It's different and the same for each of us, different emotions and experiences, but we all go through it while we try to find the new groove between us and our FIPs. :) I hope the anxiety fades soon as you find that new normal! :)

Jeni said...

2 words. It's normal. :-)

Hang tough girl! Each day, you'll feel less and less anxious and you'll begin to realize: they haven't forgotten about you and they still love you.

You're currently in what I found to be the "toughest stage". But it doesn't last long (Thank God!) I'm happy to chat with you ANY time if you're needing an "ear"!