Well, this journey officially came to an end on Friday, when I went to the lawyers and signed the affidavit, releasing my rights to Hazel so her parents can petition the court and vital statistics to amend her birth record to declare them as her parents. It seems so surreal that its all over. I had no issues signing the papers, in fact it felt great knowing that under the eyes of the law and government, she will legally be her parents as she rightfully should be and I think that them having to jump through all these hoops just because another woman carried the baby is stupid. But that's a whole other post lol
I am still struggling a bit with the lack of communication, I wont deny that. I have a shit tonne of milk stored (and I mean a TONNE), and I don't know if they want it. I'm happy to continue pumping if they want the milk...but am just fine stopping as well if they don't. I'm feeling a bit out of place right now, like I don't know what my roll is right now (other then wife and mother). I've spent the last year being at the center of this journey, regular communication, being pregnant and people knowing I'm pregnant and having that segue into a conversation about surrogacy and being a surrogate. Then you give birth, and you don't have a baby so no one knows that you have just given birth and what an amazing thing you were a part of. You want to scream from the rooftops "Guess what I just did!!?!", you want to talk about it to everyone you meet....but how do you segue into that? You just feel out of place....trying to find whats normal again.Trying to figure out how to live the normal life you lived before entering into the world of surrogacy. Then on top of all that, not knowing how things are going with the family you helped create, makes things really difficult. Its definitely not what I thought I would struggle with, if I struggled with anything. I thought if anything, I would struggle with not having a baby at home (and even then, I've never really worried about that).But THAT definitely is not an issue lol I am quite thankful to get a full nights sleep thank you very much lol. I had one day that was particularly hard....and then that evening, I got flowers delivered to me by A's parents, with a beautifully written card, so the timing of that was good...I needed that...since then, its gotten better and I don't feel as anxious...I guess I just needed that day to cry and be a little sad. Anyhow, I feel like maybe I'm not articulating myself properly and rambling as always. I just want to make it very clear, that I am not suffering baby blues, ppd, or anything like that. I am actually very happy and quite enjoying this time with my family that I have off work right now. So please, don't worry about me. I am simply trying to find a new "normal" and trying to figure out where my place is right now. I don't want to bug the new family, so I'm avoiding texting and emailing them (even though my fingers are itching to lol). I guess if they want to talk to me, they will. I just hope that that's sometime soon cause I miss them already and could really use an update and pic :)
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4 comments:
Oh honey, i'm so sorry you are feeling lost. It's a tough thing, not knowing where your place is anymore. Ash still struggles with this a bit. She felt all of these things that you are discribing. She still does at times to be honest with you. We haven't talked to our surro dads but once since they left back to the UK. It's hard going from talking all the time and getting to be "friends" to not talking and feeling I don't know, out of the loop. Just know that it will get better and what you did is AMAZING! Feel free to email me if you want to chat blmathews0807 at gmail
Much love, Bobbie
I understand how you are feeling..... I feel much of what you are feeling. The communication is much different after the family has their baby. I am thrilled every time I get an e-mail from the mom, even if it is seldom. Thinking of you, Carla
D, I love your blog and how honest you are about everything so I am presenting your blog with the Liebster award! Check out http://paradykes.blogspot.com/2012/01/liebster-award.html to see what it all means. Much love, Bobbie
I have no idea what you are going thru, but I hear you are a very cool kid on this block ( from paradykes)and hope to get to know your story a little more in time... Keep your chin up! I find that everything happens just when it is supposed to... like you getting those flowers just when you needed a pick me up!
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