Merry Christmas

Hello to my fellow bloggers, family and friends.

Just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas....from my family to yours!!!!

This year I am particularly grateful to have a wonderful family. Though Miles and I are separating, we get along completely and still care about each other a lot. We spent Christmas together as normal....as a family....and I hope it is always that way. In the summer, my good camera, the one I waited forever for, broke and since then I have felt the void. I love taking pictures and have really missed having a decent camera to have fun with. Well....Miles got me a replacement one. These cameras are like $1000!!! He really is amazing. I cried when I opened it, which made him cry. I love that we can still have these moments and its not weird and we can openly hug each other and appreciate each other. It shows our kids that you dont have to fight and hate each other through a separation. I think its teaching them, and us, a lot about how things can be.

I have found a house and will be moving in in January...and I am super excited about that. Its a great home and has plenty of room. It will be nice to have a place to call my own, where I can bring the guy Im seeing over, where I can be alone if I want, but with people if I choose. Where I can make my own space and not have to ask someone for their opinion. It will be a nice change from the past 16 years of my life. I am looking forward to it.

Here are some pictures from Christmas today!!! I had to work, so no pictures were taken between breakfast and dinner lol But here are some good ones that I took while I was still home.

Braelyn and her books

Maddie and her books!

Juli and her movies

Girls and their sleepers! lol Complete with bum flaps

Ready for dinner!

My niece Skye

Our family

And the best gift of all....a pic of my surro babe, who will be 2 on the 30th

Moving along!!!!

So today I went for my hysteroscopy and it was a successful scope! I was little worried because I was due to get my period and had some spotting yesterday. If I had to cancel this appointment, I likely wouldn't get in until after Christmas, which would put our transfer into Feb...when our original plan was Dec! As it is, we are already pushed to Jan so it would have been a huge disappointment, to say the least, had I not been able to take the appointment.

Thankfully, everything looked great though and I was able to email the nurse at the transferring clinic and she emailed me my calendar!!! Looks like transfer will take place sometime between the 19th and 25th of January!!!! The order for meds has been sent to the clinic here....and I start Lupron next week! It is finally starting to feel real now...like there is a light at the end of the tunnel! A and I joked that it was a Christmas miracle! lol

I thought it was pretty cool and took a pic of my uterus...I told the doctor it was because I wanted to show my kid...but truly, I just think its really rad to see the inside of me....all pink and smooth. He removed a small polyp on my cervix right then and there and said his report will say Im ready to go!

Theres my uterus and the entrance to the Fallopian tube! Pretty cool eh!

So I was able to head over to the Sunshine Coast last week and took a pic at the mandala in Roberts Creek. Man I love that place and would so love to move there. I've made friends with some beautiful people in that town.....here is a pic of me at the mandala. I have lost quite a bit of weight and currently only 5 lbs from my goal...just in time to gain it all back lol

Oh the lovely "hurry up and wait" phase.

It just seems there is delay after delay...and Im starting to get a little discouraged. Not only did the clinic in the states where we do the transfer, screw the pooch, but we have had some issues with the clinic here as well, and then my dr's office....dont even get me started on that. Finally get everything in order....appointment made for tomorrow for my hyteroscopy and what happens...break through bleeding (my bad...I missed a BCP and took it the next day). So, that appointment is cancelled and made for next week. By then, I could have my AF again and back to waiting. 

So...that is whats happening in my world right now. Argggghhhhh

Sibling...say what???

I am a terrible blogger. Yes...I am...I think I may need to seek help with this problem. LOL. But, I really haven't had anything to blog about. Well...I guess technically I have, but due to some privacy issues for my kids, I couldn't really talk about anything until now.

Looking good one night lol

My last post had me coming out about my marriage issues. Since then, our open relationship has turned into a separation. We decided that we are for sure done and about a month ago, we told the kids. They pretty much took the news as I suspected they would, and since that have not shown any signs of it bothering them too much. But...we all still live together and will until February when I move out. The only way for me to afford to live on my own (with room for the kids of course) is to get a place with my parents so we are going to get a place that has a suite below for them and a suite upstairs for us. Im looking forward to this change and adventure....it will be so different living "on my own" but I am excited to. Miles and I are still getting along quite well. We still live with, and sleep in the same bed (no hanky panky lol) and often still give each other a hug or kiss. We care for each other and just want the other person to be happy....hes even seeing someone. We feel we are doing whats best for us and the kids by keeping things amicable....and so far so good. As for me....things with Strings has gone south (Im actually pretty broken up about it), but apparently we are still friends (not sure about that...but whatever...long story lol). Ive been taking this time to get back to ME. I feel that over the last 16 years, I have lost me. I stopped doing things that brought me joy, because they didnt fit into my life. Having a husband who is a homebody and somewhat anti-social, didnt help. I can thank Strings for introducing me back to music again. Its something I missed terribly. I didnt exactly anticipate that I would get back into drumming, but I have...and man does it make me happy. Ive met so many awesome people in the local music scene and really enjoy going out to shows (usually in a seedy bar lol). Ive met some amazing musicians and even working with a drummer on my technique. I have to say, Im happier then Ive ever been. The only thing Im missing, is that person to share my happiness with...tell my stories to. Sure, I can still talk to Miles to a degre...but I cant talk to him about people I date or am interested in...thats a little weird. Im talking to a couple people and hopeing to date more...but I just take each day as it comes.

Drumming away

Now...for the interesting stuff!!! So A has been in contact with the clinic in Seattle to talk about a time line for a sibling journey. They were hoping for a September baby...which means...thats right...a December transfer!!!! We are aiming for Dec 15th!!!! But if we cannot get all our ducks in a row before then, then it would be early January we would go to transfer. I am excited and sooooo looking forward to getting underway and I really hope that it works the first time again. We will be using a frozen embryo. Just one! So right now, A is getting in contact with the lawyer to start the contract going. And I am awaiting a call from the clinic to get the ball rolling on what I need to do (blood test and stuff). 

Now that we are getting going on the next journey, Ill definitely be updating this more. I feel terrible as I have been missing out on so many milestones of my favorite fellow bloggers....  Carla  Kevin and Jeff  Jeni  Doug and Bill  ...but Ill be following more closely again and I hope you will do the same!

Not sure where to start....

....really not sure. I have some pretty serious stuff to get off my chest...but also want to share some fun photos from a picnic with Hazel and her parents this weekend. The serious stuff, I feel "safe" in a way sharing here, since I know very few people I know actually read this...but at the same time, its "unsafe" since most people dont know me, and may be more likely to judge (who am I kidding...most of you will probably judge...but thats ok...I've made my bed...I have to lie in it).

I guess Ill start with the serious stuff.

Hubby and I have been together a long time....about 15 years...celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary this year. He is an amazing person...my best friend. Hes been there for me through thick and thin, better or worse. He really is a great person. But I have struggled for years with something. You know you grow up, you are told you're supposed to get married forever, 2.5 kids, the dog and cat and white picket fence and live happily ever after....well...thats not me. I personally dont feel that we as humans, are meant to be with one person our entire life. Unfortunately, I have gone about this in a very unethical way in the past. Hurt my husband twice in our 15 years. He found out about my first infidelity about 6 years ago. He stayed with me, even though really, he should have kicked me to the curb. Then last Octoberish, I asked for a separation. I knew I would hurt him again. We knew the separation wouldn't happen right away....we would wait until after our Disneyland trip to break our kids hearts. A month after asking for the separation, I was with someone else. It hurt him, not as badly as the first time, but it still hurt. Technically, we were still together.

Don't get me wrong. We still love each other. There is no hatred. There is no animosity. We moved past the first "incident" and became stronger even. I personally feel that you can love multiple people, without loving the others any less. I love him...but I love others too....doesn't mean I love him less. I have a lot of room in this heart...and I want to give it. So...I approached him about having an "open" relationship...delving into the world of Polyamory. Its not about sex, like Im sure you are all thinking. Its about building relationships with other people....being there for them, and them for you. Opening your heart and allowing yourself to love and be loved. I have always felt that I am a non-monogamous person....I would just much rather be doing it in an ethical way. Polyamory is not cheating (and its not polygamy...they are two different things). Being poly means everyone is "in the know" and in agreement. After talking about it, he decided to give it a try and see if it was something he could do. At least, if it doesnt work, we can say we tried. So, we put the separation on hold... and in late may, I met someone and have been seeing him. It feels wonderful to be able to say I am seeing someone, and my husband knows and is, well, most of the time ok with it. Some days are better then others. We attended a poly discussion group, and will be participating in more in the future. But, the reality is, he likely is not a non-monogamous person. He is a one woman man and in a way, was almost "forced" into trying it if he wanted to prevent the separation, which would have happened, had we not decided to give this a go. From all the reading and research I've done, its unlikely this will work. It would seem that most couples that get into poly in this manner, don't work. I've tried staying positive, but last night there was a change. I went to a surrogacy event in Seattle with my "friend" (hmmm...nickname....Stings) I wanted someone to go with me, and no one could so I asked him...its a 2 + hour drive...wanted the company. When I crossed back into Canada, hubs and I texted back and forth and I could tell, he was ticked off. We talked when he got up for work this morning, and he said, he didnt think he could do this. It bothered him I was away with Strings for the day. I wasnt surprised this came up....like I said, Ive researched and the odds are not great. But its starting to look like we are headed towards separation. There are so many different feelings I have around it. First....scared...scared shitless. Ive been with him my whole adult life. I have never had to pay my own way completely. Excited....excited for some freedom, excited so start a new chapter where I can actually be ME...fully me. Living the live I want. But most of all...Im sad. Sad that Im losing my life partner....sad that Im hurting him. Sad that Im disappointing those in our life. And most of all sad that my kids will have to go through it. How do we break this to them? How do we break their hearts?

Anyhow, I encourage, before judging me, look up what polyamory is and means. Its actually a beautiful thing. Some people believe (I am one of those people) that being poly is an orientation, like being gay or lesbian. Why do I believe this, because I've always known that I wasnt meant to be with one person. I just did what a lot of closeted gay people do....live how you are expected to live because thats what society tells you to do. Well, I dont want to be closeted anymore. Im proud of myself for figuring out what I want. So please, dont judge...be happy for me....and if you have anything negative to say, please keep it to yourself. :)

Now...onto the fun stuff!!! We met up with A, D and Hazel this weekend at the same place we met up last summer for our summer picnic together. We had a fantastic day! I was warned that Hazel has now been nicknamed "most dangerous baby on earth" but I saw no evidence of this...mom was lying lol. She was all over the place, just like every other 18 month old. There is a photo campaign going on for a group Surrogacy Together and they had a photo shoot in Seattle yesterday. So, a few weeks ago, I had them mail me the tattoos and A, Hazel and I put them on and took a few photos for the campaign where they might go into a video thing at a rally in San Diego (which I would LOVE to go to, but know it wont happen...insert sad face lol ). When we were leaving, D asked if A and I had talked about "process" lol I had not brought up the sibling journey....I figured they will bring it up when they are ready. A says "well I think we are thinking late fall now...financially that will work better" so Im like "Well, like when late fall?" shes like "Decemberish" I started laughing "Uh, thats WINTER!" lol So....I guess we are aiming for "late fall" winter start to sibling journey. A little disappointed, yes...I wanna get going on this. I have a couple of fantastic gay couples I want to carry for!!! LOL Oh well... I understand fully.
Anyhow....we had a great visit....lots of fun in the sun. I really enjoyed hanging with Hazel and playing in the water with her. She is such a cutie pie!!!

Braelyn having fun in the water

She had lots of fun playing in the sand and water

Maddie lounging on the beach

Hazel and Juju having fun together

Hazel and I walking back up to mom and dad and Miles ....way up there by the orange tent

Tattood up!

Surrogacy Together. Like them on Facebook!!!

Someone looks mischievous! Sorry for the terrible pic A, but she looks damn cute here lol

Another cute one

Pure sweetness

One big special family!

lol this lasted about a minute lol

Someone was sleepy...she did very well! Time to go home!

 

I'm a terrible blogger lol

Yep....I suck. But really, I've had nothing to talk about! I don't want to bore people with random shit lol

From what I gather, we are still on for a possible Fall start to a sibling for Hazel. I am really looking forward to it and hope hope hope that this is a reality!! I don't talk to A and D much. I know they are busy with life. There was a time where not having a text or email from them, really bothered me. But as time has gone on, that has gotten a lot easier to handle. I find myself realizing after 3 months, that I haven't heard from them or had an update. Does it still sting a bit? Sure. But I just remember that I know that they still love and appreciate me helping them bring Hazel into the world and that as much as I don't have regular communication with them, I'm still important to them. Its become a lot easier.

When I entered into surrogacy, I didn't think it mattered to me whether I carried for a straight or gay couple...but I've come to realize, that I really want to help a gay couple to achieve their dream of being parents. I've read/seen so many amazing journeys through blogs and other things that have come up on FB and met several intended dads and I've just come to realize that helping a gay couple is what I truly want to do. I feel its important that the world sees that just because they are two men in love, doesn't meant they don't deserve to have a family!!! Love has no boundaries (something else I'm REALLY learning...that is for another post in itself... read up on Polyamory...eek...yes we can get more into that later lol) and its not for anyone to judge. Just because they don't have the "right" anatomy for baby making, doesn't mean they should lose out on the ability to be parents. And Ill argue this with anyone!!! I really hope that when the sibling journey is done, Ill still be healthy enough to carry again cause I know some great couples that need me!!!

I am in awe of a few of my surro sisters, who have been able to carry a few times. One in particular...Jenn. She is amazing, in my eyes. She is currently carrying twins for her IPs, who she already carried a baby boy for at the same time that I was pregnant with Hazel (we gave birth within days of each other). This is not just her second time either! Shes carried two others before working with this couple!!! I really am in awe of her. I have not had the chance to meet her in person, as she lives on the other side of Canada but I will get to Ontario one of these days and meet my favorite surro sister!!!

I know I'm all over the place here...sorry about that! Been a while since I wrote and so I'm not really in the groove yet lol

If you haven't heard of it already, there is a great group doing great things in terms of spreading the word on Surrogacy.Check out:  Surrogacy Together  They are hosting different events all over the US with a big bash happening in San Diego in August. I'm SUPPOSED to be attending the one in Seattle, but may not be able to. See, my dad had a heart attack in April. He ended up requiring open heart surgery and while he is doing really well now, hes still not really able to drive (that and his car is unreliable). My cousin is getting married in Alberta and will be having a shower here in BC so I am supposed to take my dad to it. While I really want my dad to go, I REALLY want to go to this Surrogacy event. In fact, I'm considering saying that I cant go to the shower...but I HATE disappointing my dad!!! Especially since I know hes going stir crazy being at home!! Anyhow, back to Surrogacy Together. These guys are great! Spreading the word on surrogacy...bringing people together to educate and excite people on this amazing way of building families! I'm currently awaiting my Surrogacy Together tattoos so I can join the photo campaign!!! Check it out! Like it on Facebook!!!

Also another quick shout out to this amazing surro and photographer. Shes recently posted about a beautiful birth she photographed...of an IM who caught her baby! Brings back so many emotions, remembering seeing A catch Hazel.  All I can say....AMAZING!!!

Anyhow, hope everyone is doing well! Ill try to post more (I think I've said that before). I love reading up on every ones lives and see all the beautiful babies who are now growing into toddlers!

We went to Disneyland...and more stuff! lol

Hello? Is anyone out there?

I know its been a really long time. Essentially, I haven't really had much to say (I know eh...me? nothing to say). But I really haven't. At least, nothing interesting.

Since I last wrote, Hazel has turned a year old. So hard to believe that she is already at this point 16 months old. We met at the Cactus Club...the place where it all started! If you recall, Cactus is where A & D and Miles and I first met. It was where we all realized, we were meant to meet each other. Funny enough, Cactus has life long memories for me. Its flagship restaurant is in the town I grew up in and I went their often. It was the place I had my first bowl of broccoli and cheese soup that spiked my love affair of the dish. I have an original cow decoration (paper mache...got it when they changed their decor from cow to more contemporary one. Its where I had my first "legal" beverage (I had been drinking there a couple years and our regular server had no idea I wasnt of age, until I told him it was my 19th birthday lol) then I met A & D and started my surrogacy journey and finally, got to celebrate my surro babes 1st birthday. I really enjoyed our visit...here are some pictures from that day.

A couple weeks ago, Miles and I surprised our three girls with a trip to Disneyland. It had been 3 years of saving and months of planning but we were able to keep our vacation to ourselves, before revealing the big surprise on monday when we woke them up nice and early, and made them do a puzzle saying "were going to Disney". It was an awesome trip (even though Braelyn complained the entire time about every ride "does it go fast?" "does it go in water?" " does it go up high?" She might as well have asked if it moved cause she didnt want to go on most of the rides. Grrrrrr. Either way, it was still a blast and seeing Disneyland through the girls eyes was a lot different then the adult eyes Ive seen Disney through. Here are a few pics!

Fell asleep from the airport to the hotel lol

Mickey ears a must!

Breakfast at Goofys Kitchen

They asked us if we were celebrating anything and it was our
anniversary so they gave us this!

In Mickeys House

One of the rare times Braelyn was truly smiling!

Bart burped and then blew his burp, in my face...then laughed ha haa

On Jurassic Park

This is the other time she was truly happy lol

Star Wars

Just me

Goofys Kitchen as well

So cute

Juli, very very upset that she is too small for this ride :

So this week I had to go to Vancouver for some first aid training.and figured I would text A to see if they wanted to meet for dinner. I was super stoked when she said yes!! We met at White Spot (cause thats about the only place they can take Hazel without a disaster....woohoo is she feisty! lol) And heres a picture from our dinner:

Pure sweetness right there!

So...to all my surro sisters out there...anyone reading this. Are you looking at finding new IPs? I have a great couple for you. I know a couple of guys who have been put through quite the ringer over the past few years while on their quest to have a baby. They finally are expecting one bean but were hoping to have another surro ready to go any time as they want at least 2, very close together. These guys are really great....and I would LOVE to carry for them. But I am committed to A & D for a sibling journey this year so I cant. But believe me....if after the sib journey, if they havent have their dream of another baby fulfilled, I will be knocking on their door. Anyone would be lucky to carry a baby for Y & Y and I would feel very blessed to carry for them. So...if you, or someone you know, would be interested in learning more, let me know! They live here in Vancouver and I think the would love a surro not terribly far away. 

Anyhow...thanks for tuning in. Hopefully by the end of the year...Ill have a heck of a lot more to say as I will be back to taking meds and getting knocked up!