Sunday, November 27, 2011

35 weeks tomorrow

Nothing really new to report...but its getting really exciting to be so close to the end. Ive had a very emotional last few days. I dont know if its just my hormones playing games with me, but it just seemed like everything came crashing down. An issue at work started it and I had a total meltdown while at work...then it continued yesturday when simple things like hitting every single red light on the way home, not finding what I was looking for at the store and then coming back out to my car only to not be able to get in because my key fob wouldnt work (also an immobilizer so even if I unlocked it, I wouldnt be able to start the car) taking me even longer to get home (I still hit every red light the rest of the way...and ended up having to stop for gas in the pissing down rain). I was so frustrated after such a loooooooooong (and I mean long...worked 6 hours, felt like 15) day at work. My feet hurt, I was hungry and with the emotions still running high from what happened the day before at work, I was spent. I just started bawling, again, as I was driving. Then thinking to myself, I am so stupid. This is nothing! Why are you crying?!! You are so dumb!!! Which then made me feel even worse. Ugh.
Pregnancy hormones?? I dont know...probably. Maybe its the impending end thats making me feel like this. I know that in just a few short weeks, I will no longer be pregnant. I know that contact with my IPs will likely be not as much as it was before, as they get used to their new life with their baby....bonding with her and not wanting me around to screw that up. I was always clear that I would love to continue a relationship after and I know that will happen to a degree, but probably not as much as I would like to have and I think that might have something to do with the way Im feeling. Its coming to an end it feels like. For the past year, its been all about this baby and bringing her into the world...who am I after? What am I after? Just a mom....just a wife. No longer a longer will I have a specific and important task. I wouldnt even mind starting another journey soon, but Ive committed to my IPs for a sibling in a couple years, and I dont want to jeopardize that by doing another one and then either having difficulties and not being able to be a surro again after, or by having difficulties conceiving for the next couple and then taking so long that my current IPs are ready and Im already in a journey with someone else. So...I wait...which is fine. Im happy to do so because I really really like my IPs. I think they are fantastic people and so deserving of this little girl. I hope that we have formed a life long bond between our families.
I think that after the sibling project, I would really like to carry for a gay couple. Ive seen so many blogs, and stories of amazing journeys and actually had a couple guys come into my work recently who are having a baby via surrogacy and just talking to them and the way they see the journey, is just amazing to me and I think I would like to be a part of that for a gay couple myself (not sure how others would see that but fuck em lol). After that, I would likely be done my baby carrying days lol I will likely be around 33 with the next one...then lets say 35. So I think that I should be done lol. I know...seems weird that Im even thinking about all that, but I am.
I would have to say that I always knew being a surrogate would be a pretty amazing journey. I knew I would love it. I was right. It is amazing. Its been such a great experience and I want to experience it again. But I wont put my life or my kids life in jeopardy to do it. So while I have a "plan", plans (like birth plans lol) dont always go as written so I guess I just wait and see.

Sorry for my ramblings...Ive had a lot floating in my head and heart...and I guess I just needed to get it out my fingertips....even if it makes no sense!


Carla said...

well, crap! I left a lengthy comment yesterday, typed in the word verification, but it is NOT showing up! Thinking of you, Carla

paradykes said...

I hope you are feeling much better today. Those end of pregnancy hormones are a pain in the butt. It took Ash and I a while to "find" where we belong now that her surrogacy is over. Our IPs just left a week ago and we feel like we've gotten our lives back but we miss them and the baby like crazy. Be easy on yourself, let the emotions flow, don't bottle them up it just makes it harder. Much love, Bobbie